Below is the email I had sent my ex-fiance who I had been waiting for our wedding night to sleep with. He had other ideas and the week before my birthday, 11 years ago, he raped me.
A side note: There are a few things underlined, that I only noticed after having written this. I saw God through the writing of this email and I will share those insights with you, as to why certain things are underlined. His name is James and his initials are JC. His bday is Oct 10th, as in 10:10.
As you read this email of forgiveness and Christ’s love, it might seem hard to believe that I am responding to his past violence in a Christ-like way, which for some may be hard to understand. Please know that I could never respond this way on my own. The words and peace to write this, came from Christ alone.
Sept 19, 2019, marked a decade, this year marks 11 years since you raped me! The aftermath of the rape I experienced over a decade ago had left me reeling as I tried to process what I endured. The nightmares and triggers crippled me, leading me further into a downward spiral of hopelessness, suicidal thoughts, and depression. This has caused me to push others away, not to know who trust, and has kept me from forming lasting relationships, healthy relationships. You broke me! This broke me! But, nothing is ever broken beyond repair or redemption, with God! Thankfully, this also led me on a journey of healing that God has redeemed and continues to restore.
Though I carried the pain, bitterness, and anger towards you and God with me over the years. You need to know that I no longer harbor anger, bitterness, or resentment towards you and haven’t for a very long time now. In fact, I forgave you a long time ago, actually on Nov 2, 2009. Now, as the anniversary of when my life changed approaches, as well as my birthday (Sept 26) the following week. I want to tell you that I Forgive You, Jimmy! You’re Forgiven! I’ve even prayed for you over the years! I used to think you were a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but I truly believe now that you were just a lost sheep, whom satan used for his evil scheme – to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). For the longest time, it worked! My world had been turned upside down. I felt the pain deep within the depths of my soul, my life was destroyed! At least that’s how it felt! My joy had been stolen. Any dreams I had for the future seemed to die that day, as our engagement ended the day you harmed me! All hope seemed lost. Except, God had other plans. Genesis 50:20, “What satan intended to harm me, God intended for my good. The saving of many lives.”
See, there are things I couldn’t understand over a decade ago, that I do now! I knew that as followers of Christ, that God had never promised us a life without trials or trauma. I just never thought life could be this hard, this sad, filled with so much pain, and with so much evilness. A life where there is more injustice than there is justice. I just wasn’t prepared for the crosses of violence I’d have to carry since I was 4 yrs old. You allowed satan to use you, to add to my crosses. But, God tries to prepare us, He has told us through scripture, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4). Suffering is not a curse or punishment, but a gift and a blessing because through it God will redeem it for His greater glory, to further His kingdom. I understand that now!
Though this is not the life, the story I would have EVER chosen for myself. Knowing what I know now. If I had been given a choice. I would choose to walk this valley of hell again because I’ve witnessed how much good has come out of it. God has used my testimony, this part of my story to help so many! Though these years have not been easy! With each passing day, I’m becoming the woman God created me to be, a Proverbs 31 woman! As I look back on these last eleven years, it’s hard to believe that there was actually a time when I had thought these years were just a loss. I had even been told by Christians that God couldn’t use me because of what you had done to me! Boy, were they wrong!! With God, everything has a purpose and I’ve gained more these last eleven years than I had ever lost. Through it all, I’ve grown, come out of it stronger, I’m thriving, and have found acceptance and unconditional love with my Heavenly Father that I had never experienced before.
Thank you, Jimmy, for being part of my story! You might have brought me to my knees! But, every tear, nightmare, trigger, and painful memory only drew me closer to Christ! Out of rape came a relationship with Jesus Christ that was worth it ALL! I pray that you experience the same acceptance, forgiveness, and unconditional love with our Heavenly Father that I have. He desires to have that with you, His beloved son.
I forgive you. He forgives you. I only hope that you can forgive yourself.
All is forgiven, Jimmy!